Inwardly Thinking

I just had my son on Wednesday, September 21st.  His arrival has changed everything.  My hopes and dreams, my career and plans, have changed.  And actually for the better.

I still reserve a little pessimism about our having this great life together as a family because that’s just the way I am.  I know life brings trials and tribulations.  It brings death and sickness and heartbreak.  I put on this facade of having endless hope for a bright future, but deep down I still worry of the bad events that will come in our lives.

Even now, I pray to God to let us have a lifetime with one another.  (For the atheist or agnostic that reads this post, I know that you all feel like prayer is a waste of time, but it is everything to me since I am a Christian theist.)  But I know that God’s Will may have other things planned a number of reasons that are above and beyond me.  However, I do ask to see my son live to adulthood, before I depart this world.  And I don’t want to live long; I am satisfied with dying at 56.  It will allow me to have had 30 years of marriage to my wife, which I hope will be good until the day that I close my eyes and breathe my last breath.  Yes, I am morbid.  I have always been like this as far as I can remember.  Anyhow, this is just my thinking because as I believe that God is in control, then He will decide what will and will not take place in all of our lives (me, my wife, and my son).  Even though I struggle with not knowing the future sometimes, I would not have it any other way.

I still think to myself what will be of tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  I still ponder:  will I get to build a relationship similar to the relationship that I have with my own father?  I am 31 years old and my father is still alive and kicking.  He has slowed down quite a bit and he is showing signs of aging (he’s got plenty of gray hair now), but he still has plenty of wisdom to give (my little brothers – aged 14 and 12 – are still getting to experience it now).  But my father has been a blessing in life.  I just hope that I can be a blessing to this blessing (my son – Elijah).

For now, I will just do my best to treasure each day with him.